I / 



French's International Copyrisntea (in Engrland, her Colonies 
and United States) Edition of the Work* of the Best Authors 




No. 381 




PUNK 



OR 

THE AMATEUR REHEARSAL 



A Ridiculum in One Act 



BY 



EIENRY CLAPP SMITH 



Copyright, 1920, by Samuel French 



ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. 



CAUTION — The professional acting rights of "Punk" are 
reserved, and all applications for the professional act- 
ing- rights should be made direct .to Samuel French, 
28 West 38th St., New York. Amateurs may produce 
"Punk" without payment of royalty. 



\ 



PRICE 27 CENTS 



New ¥ork 

SAMUEL FRENCH 
28-30 WEST 38th Street 

PUBLISHER 



London 
SAMUEL FRENCH. Ltd 

26 SOUTHAMTON STREET 

STRAND 



I 



1 



• ll 



PUNK 



OR 



THE AMATEUR REHEARSAL 



A RiDicuLUM IN One Act 



BY 



HENRY CLAPP SMITH 



Copyright, 1920, By Samuel French 



CAUTION — The professional acting- rights of "Punk" are 
reserved, and all applications for the professional act- 
ing rights should be made direct to Samuel French, 
28 West 38th St., New York. Amateurs may produce 
"Punk" without payment of royalty. 



New York 

SAMUEL FRENCH 
28-30 WEST 38th Street 

PUBLISHER 



LOXDON 

SAMUEL FRENCH. Ltd 

26 SOUTHAMTOX STREET 

STRAND 






XP^' 



CHARACTERS 

Mrs. Harry CooTER{Ethel) Mrs. Ellery Gates 

Miss Bertha Bull Miss Leonie Gates 

Miss Isabel Griffen Helen, A Maid 

Mr. Harold W. Griffen (Her Brother) 

Hinman Foote 

Mr. Lincoln Anderson Clarence Bates 

Mr. Harry Cooper Meadows, a Butler 

Mr. Frank Thompson 

Any time, any evening, anywhere east of St. Louis. 



^JUL 1 7 1920 

TMP96-007167 



/ 



A 



THE AMATEUR REHEARSAL 

COSTUMES: 

Any modern costumes. 
SCENE: 

Any room. Any entrances. Furniture in any posi- 
Should consist of two high back sofas, two small 
tion, should consist of two high back sofas, two 
small tables, and small divan for two, wooden back 
preferred. Five small chairs. 
PROPERTIES : 
Manuscript prompt book. 
Paper and pencil. 
Illustrated magazines such as Theatre," 'Town and 

Countrv." 
Ruler. 

Lady's handkerchief. 
Gentleman's Handkerchief. 
Knitting. 



PUNK 



Scene : Opens with an empty stage, a noise of 

laughter off. Enter Mr. and Miss Griffen and 

Mr. Thompson. 

Isabel. Say! After all our hurry we are the 
first here. 

Harold. My dear, promptness is a virtue. 

Isabel. Yes and the reward is wasting your 
time waiting for others. 

{During the next speeches Thompson sets the stage 

to the inconvenience of others zvho are in the Wuy 

of the moving furniture. The details of this come 

later in the text.) 

Harold. Say old man don't you think we could 
change my part a little so I could have a little more 
action. 

Thompson. Oh, there will be action enough 
when you get rehearsing. 

Harold. Oh yes I know, but I mean something 
big. I really have got a lot of talent, and I would 
like to show what I could do. I played Caesar 
when I was eight, and my mother said it was un- 
usual. 

Thompson. Yes, I guess it was. (Hands him 
a chair which Harold stands and holds in his arms, 
continuing his conversation) 

Harold. I don't want to do anything that is not 
right, but if in the exposure scene you could let me 
have a big speech and break some furniture or some- 
thing. Action that's the stuff. 

5 



6 PUNK 

Thompson. Yes let's get a little action on this 
furniture. 

Isabel. Oh ! Mr. Thompson, what shall I wear. 
I have a lovely little blue organdie dress all trimmed 
with ruffles. 

Thompson. Yes Miss Griffen, but it is a little 
early to talk of costume yet. We have to wait un- 
til we get the scenery. 

Isabel. (Coyly) I want to ask you a question. 
Does Harry Cooper actually have to kiss me in the 
scene in the first act ? 

Thompson. Not at all. Stage kisses are like 
stage murders, all camouflaged. 

Isabel. (Disappointedly) That's what Harry 
said. _ 

Harold. Here come the others, I hear Lincoln 
whistling. 

Isabel. I think he is stuck on Bertha, don't you ? 

Harold. Can that gossip stuff. 

Thompson. I hope he is. If he would only use 
some of it in the show and not all of it "off stage."" 

(Enter Lincoln and Miss Bull. They quite evi- 
dently hai^e had a spat. Lincoln over enthusias- 
tieally greets Isabel.) 

Miss Bull. (To Thompson) I am awfully 
sorry, I thought I knew my lines. I held my hand 
over the book this morning and I only had to peek 
a very few times, but coming up in the taxi with 
Mr. Anderson, we tried to go through the love 
scene, but oh its so different when somebody says 
the lines instead of your reading them. 

Thompson. (Very unctuously) Why Miss Bull,. 
I am sure you know them, you are such good study. 
Miss Bull. (Revealing the cause of her dis- 
pleasure with Anderson) Mr. Anderson insists on 
holding hands all through the love scenes, and we 
did not do that last rehearsal, did we? 



PUNK 7 

Thompson. I cannot blame him .wanting to. I 
will show you tonight. 

Harold. (Laying down magazine and interrupt- 
ing) Where do you suppose the Coopers are ? They 
are always late. Can't we begin without them? 

Thompson. No, we must begin at the beginning. 

Isabel. (To Anderson) I don't like Bevo, it 
tastes so flat. Don't you think so? 
, Lincoln. I don't know. I never tasted it. 

Miss Bull. Oh Mr. Thompson, what do you 
think I should wear? I have a blue dress of or- 
gandie, trimmed with ruffles. 

(Isabel listens attentively.) 

Thompson. Oh, anything you want to wear will 
be perfectly satisfactory, Miss Bull. 

Isabel, (Snorts) Tsah! 

Harold. (Has meamvhile laid on the sofa, and 
his head nozv appears over the back) Wake me up 
when you want me. I don't think those people are 
coming at all. (Noise of snoring) 

Miss Bull. I think Ethel comes late on purpose. 

Isabel. So do I. 

All The Men. Meow. 

Harold. Speaking of cats. 
(Noise off stage. Ethel Cooper enters breezily, 
follozved by Harry, more dead than alive.) 

Ethel. So sorry to be late, I made a mistake in 
the time and our car broke down. 

Lincoln. (To Isabel) What car do they run? 

Isabel. (Snorting) The Madison Avenue. 

Thompson. (Rapping on table) Now please 
everybody, a little attention. If we all work hard 
we will finish by lo 130. Now please notice how the 
scene is set. (The others pay no attention to him. 
Ethel and Lincoln are down right. Harry and 



8^ ^PUNK 

Isabel down left, Harold is sitting on sofa up left 
zvith an open magazine. Miss Bull is sitting on the 
hack of the sofa knitting, looking at the pictures 
with Harold — Thompson continuing) This is 
an interior. {He had set the stage in the 
beginning exactly as he now describes it) 
These two sofas represent a wall of a room 
across the upper back of the stage, and tlie 
opening between them is center entrance. This is 
called ''up stage." This small table is placed at 
what is known as "left center" and is supposedly 
for the desk covered with books, papers, writing 
material, and a telephone. This is a revolving desk 
chair left of the desk. This is an armchair at right 
center. These other chairs are spread about for 
the present. This small divan is not on in this 
scene. (At present it is doivn left, Harry and Isa- 
bel seated in it, and it is so turned that they are 
facing the preceniiun arch and their backs to the 
others, Ethel and Lincoln have meanzvhile ap- 
propriated the sofa up right) Don't pay any at- 
tention to this table. {Which is dozen right, has the 
prompt book and ruler on it, and has the chair op- 
posite it so Thompson's hack when seated in the 
chair will he against the precenium arch right) That 
is mine. {He stands in the center facing the audience 
and points as follozvs) That is down stage, this is 
up stage, that is right, and that is left. And out 
there {Pointing front) you can imagine that you 
have an intelligent audience. Do you all understand ? 
{No anszver. Again repeats louder) Do you all 
understand ? 

Omnes. Yes. 

Thompson. Now let's begin, clear the stage every- 
body, Mr. Cooper please. Now the first scene in 
these old dramas open with servants on the stage, 
and they introduce the characters and disclose the 
plot. So it IS very essential that you should act quite 



PUNK 9 

naturally and yet by accentuating the names let the 
audience know what it is all about. Now Miss Grif- 
fen you are on stage with a duster as I told you last 
time, and as you linish speaking, Harr>^ you come 
on ; and don't forget what I told you both — convey 
to the audience that you are fond of each other, and 
Miss Griffen, vou must be very flirtatious about it 

Harry. Oh Mabel ! (This to Isabel) 

Isabel. (To Harry) Oh, Herrie ! 

Thompson. Now ready take positions. Curtain 
goes up. Go ! Bing ! 

Isabel. (Dusting with hnaginary duster on the 
desk) Oh Lord, I do believe Mrs. is stuck on Mr, 
Bates, and that is the reason she won't let Miss 
Leonie marry him. 

Thompson. Come on Mr. Cooper, why don't 
you come on, that is your cue. 

Harry. I beg your pardon, I thought she had 
more to say. 

Thompson. Once again please. Miss Griffen, 
and don't dust the same spot all the time, and re- 
member what I told you, speak the names clearly. 

Isabel. Oh Lor I d@ believe Mrs. Gates is stuck 
on Mr. Bates, and that is the reason she won't let 
Miss Leonie marry him. (The names are fairly 
helloived) 

(Harry enters briskly swinging his left hand in the 

air. 

Thompson. What is the matter with your 
hand. 

Harry. (Stuffily) You told me I was to come 
in with a breakfast tray. 

Thompson. Yes, but this is a private house. 
You are carrying it like a colored waiter at the sea- 
shore. Now we will go on. Never mind Miss Grif- 
fen about repeating your speech. (She has been 



lo - - ^ PUNK 

trying to do so) 

Harry. Oh you saucy little baggage. And have 
you done the parlor yet. 

Isabel. I asks you Mr. Meadows to attend to 
your buisness and I will attend to mine. 

Harry. You need not put on hairs just because 
the Missus has a new beau. 

Isabel. So you have noticed it too Mr. Bright 

Eyes. 

Harry. I have, I have, and what is Mr. Gates 
going to say to that. I have been here night on 
to 15 years, and I have never seen the Missus take 
to anyone before like she has to Mr. Bates. 

Isabel. It's not for the likes of you to gossip 
about Mrs. Gates no matter if you have been here 
since Columbus discovered America. {She has bel- 
lowed all the names including Columbus and Amer- 
ica) 

Thompson. Miss Griffen you need not accentuate 
Columbus and America, they don't form part of 

the play. 

Isabel. (Repeating last line normally) No mat- 
ter if you have been here since Columbus discovered 
America. 

Harry. Is that so. 

Thompson. (Seeing Harry's hands by his sides) 
What have you done with that tray. Has it evapor- 
ated. 

Harry. You didn't tell me what to do with it. 

Thompson. Well the book tells you to put it on 
the desk. We won't go back to-night and do it over 
again, but I wish you two even though you're quar- 
reling would make it clear that you like each other. 
This will help your scene later on. _ 

Harry. Don't you think it would be better if I 
kissed the maid when I first come on. 

(Isabel all smiles.) 



PUNK II 

Thompson. No. 

Harry. All the old plays always started that 
way. 

Thompson. Please, please, let's stick to the au- 
thor's text and save your kisses for the later scene. 

(During this last Ethel gives her husband from the 
sofa tip R. a zvithering look.) 

Isabel. (Continuing the play) Here comes 
master. 

Thompson. We will cut this next scene between 
Gates and his Secretary as neither of them are here. 
We will now jump to the first scene of the two lov- 
ers. Mr. Anderson. Mr. Anderson. 

Lincoln. I hear you calling me. 

{Giggles all around.) 

Thompson. (Snappily) We will have your love 
scene in the first act. (Sweetly) Oh Miss Bull. 

(Ethel frorn nozv on looks from the back of the 
sofa and watches the follozving scene. Harold 
returns to his magazine. Harry and Isa- 
bel sit in the little settee dozvn l. and gencr^ 
ally act as if they zi'ere 17.) 
Thompson. Now begin. 

(Miss Bull is seated in the armchair r. center.) 

Lincoln. (Standing over her zvith an iinexpres- 
sive voice) Ah, Leonie, at last we are alone. 

Thompson. A little more animation please. Say 
it as if you meant it. 

Lincoln. Now look here old top, don't expect 
too much of me to-night, I am a little down. I had 
a hard day at the office. 

Thompson. Yes, but if you don't rehearse these 



12 PUNK 

things how do you ever expect to be able to play 

them? 

Lincoln. That's all right, don't worry about me, 
just as soon as I get an audience I will come un. 

Ethel. (From the sofa) Oh an audience makes 
such a difference. 

Lincoln. (To Ethel) Yes you know I can't 

rehearse. 

Ethel. Neither can I., It seems like such a 

waste of time. 

Lincoln. I can't learn my lines by myself either. 
I have to have them "come to me" during rehear- 
sals. 

Ethel. Oh I am the slowest study. 

Thompson. Please, please. 

Lincoln. Ah Leonie, at last we are alone. 

Miss Bull. (Flirtatiously) As if that made any 
difference to you. 

Lincoln. Little you realize that you are every- 
thing in the world to me, the sun, the moon, the 
stars, all the gardens in the land, and the perfumes 
of a million flowers. 

Thomtson. Mr. Anderson don't count these 
items on your fingers so the audience can see you 
do it, and you should say it as if you meant it. Try 
and think 'the things you are saying. When you 
sav ''stars," see stars. 

Harold. (From the sofa) Hit him over the 

head. 

Thompson. Think gardens, and when you say 
perfume, act as if you were really smelling the most 
wonderful flowers. 

Lincoln. Say old topple that will not do me 
any good. I hate' them and I have Hay Fever. 

Ethel. I had an aunt once who was cured by 
hay fever in the most mysterious way. 

Thompson. That's all' right, Mrs. Cooper, please 
go ahead. 



PUNK 13 

Lincoln, (Repeats speech in exactly the same 
tone of voice, adding on the end) — Is that better? 

Thompson. Yes, but even do it more so. Now 
listen and see if you can catch what I mean. (Does 
speech very sincerely. Miss Bull pleased and 
giggles) Now, try it again. 

(Lincoln does it exactly the same as before.) 

Miss. Bull. Oh vou think so. 
. Lincoln. I know so. Oh you most adorable 
one, heaven gave me thee. (Said in a monotone) 

(Mr. Thompson shivers.) 

Miss Bull. Don't Clarence. Don't. 

Lincoln. Leonie, dearest, listen to me. (Miss 
Bull rises) I never knew what it was to care for 
anyone until I met you. Now my entire being is 
changed. I need you, I want you, I cannot do with- 
out you. Leonie I love you. (The above is said 
■without the slightest trace of emotion) 

Thompson. Couldn't you say that as if you"- 
meant it — I could. 

Lincoln. (Whispers to Ethel) I guess he 
•could. . . , 

Thompson. Don't be a wooden Indian, you must 
have made love to lots of women. (Ethel giggles) 
Say it again and make it strong. 

Lincoln. (Very deep and somber) Leonie, I 
love you. 

Thompson. Once again. 

Lincoln. Leonie, I love you. Say I could do 
this all right if the words were different. Let me 
try it once and use my own words. 

Thompson. Go ahead. 

Lincoln. (Using same voice) I love you damn 
it all. (Looks pleased with himself) 

Thompson. Never mind, we will do this by our- 
•selves some da v. 



14 PUNK 

Miss Bull. Don't Clarence, don't. I can't bear 
it. I cannot be yours, because I am pledged to an- 
other. _ 

Lincoln. Another? Can this be true? 

Miss Bull. Yes, my Father has given me to 
a man I cannot love, and (sobbing) I have no busi- 
ness to tell you, but you have been so kind to me. 

Lincoln. Tell me, tell me, who is he. 

Miss Bull. It's Hinman Foote. 

Lincoln. Foote! Ah! A man I have always 
suspected, but how do you know him. What hold 
has your Father got over him. Tell me dearest. 

Miss Bull. I don't know except that years ago 
he did something for Father, and since then he has 
always been here. It is only recently that he took 
a great fancy to me, and Father and Mother both 
encourage him — and I am so unhappy. 

Lincoln. Weep on little one, rest your head on 
my shoulder. (Lincoln and Miss Bull, together) 
Can't we change that line? 

Harold. (From the sofa) Make it waistcoat. 

Thompson. You can stand on a foot stool. Miss 
Bull go ahead. 

Miss Bull. Mother likes you, but don't you see 
how hopeless it all is ? I should never have told you. 

Lincoln. What I can't understand is, what hold 
has Foote over your Father. That we must find 
out. That / must find out. Does your Mother 
know ? 

Miss Bull. I guess so, she knows a lot about 
Father's business. 

Lincoln. I have it. Patience dear. 'Tis a bold 

idea. I will make love to your mother, and try and 
glean from her the information that we seek. 

Miss Bull. Oh Clarence, I couldn't have you 
make love to another woman. 

Lincoln. Not even your mother. 

Miss Bull. Mother least of all. 



PUNK 15 

Lincoln. And now dear I must go. Take this 
locket of my mother's. 

Miss Bull. Oh Clarence, you give me this. I 
should not take it. Everything is so hopeless. 

Lincoln. Nothin.<^ is hopeless. 

Thompson. (Indistinctly) Except your acting. 

Lincoln. Beg pardon? 

Thompson. Nothing. 

Lincoln. So farewell my treasure, my turtle 
dove, my baby blossom. 

Harold. Weasel words. 

Miss Bull. Good-bye. 

Lincoln. Good-bve. 

Miss Bull. Good-bye. 

Lincoln. Good-bye. 

(All four said in monotone.) 

Thompson. Whew! (Lincoln joins Ethel 
on sofa up r.) Now we will have the men's scene. 
Cooper, will you please read Gates' part. You are 
seated at the desk facing the center of the stage. 
Please be very gruff. 

Ethel. Aren't you ever going to use me. 

Thompson. A little later, Mrs. Cooper. 

Thompson. (Turning) Oh, Miss Bull, you did 
splendidly. (Turning to Griffen) Are you ready? 

(Griffen stands center, Cooper seated at desk.) 

Cooper. -Sit down Foote, how's everything? 

Harold. So so. I can't complain. Your daugh- 
ter is a fine girl, Gates. 

Harry. Betcha, none better in the world. Say, 
Foote, she's ever}1:hing to me, she is. 

Harold. Say who's this fellow Bates whose 
han^nng around here. 

Harry. Curious thing, I was going to speak of 



i6 PUNK 

that — (Mysteriously) what was the name of the 
man you took that paper from in the wreck ? 

Marold. Hush ! Clarence Bates. It's a queer 
name and would be a coincidence but 

Harry. Clarence Bates, the age of the kid is just 
about right. I will bet it's the son of Foote. 

Harold. Ah ! Well, why don't you announce 
the engagement and get him out of the way? (TJiis 
is said ivith a snarl) 

Thompson'. Be tough — show your character. 

Harold. (Repeats last speech in a dreadfully 
rongh manner, both voice and gesture) 

Thompson. Whoa! not quite so much, we will 
have nothing left for Act 3. 

Harold. Get him out of the way, he will pro- 
pose to her if we are not careful. 

Harry. No Foote, we will take a chance on that. 
I don't want her to announce her engagement until 
next month on her i8th birthday, see! 

Thompson. (Has been looking on his manu- 
script, and still looking at it says) Look common 
as you say "see." 

Harry. Hang it all, I am not playing this part. 

Thompson. Well look common anyway, it's good 
practice. 

Harry. I can't. 

Isabel. (Sarcastically but smilingly) Is that so ! 

Thompson. Sh ! 

Harold. You're the boss, say the word and we 
will get married. Sooner the better for me. 

Harry. Tell me Foote, I've forgotten it, how did 
you get possession of that j5aper? 

Harold. (Plays the next scene as sincerely and 
dramatically as possible zvithout raising the voice, 
but zvith intensity) It was a dark and stormy night 
and the rain fell in torrents, and I had gone to the 
mill to pay off the hands. The local I was going 
to take out of Devins Creek was on the siding wait- 



PUNK 17 

ing for the through express. I was smoking on the 
platform, knowing the local would have to back 
down past me to get on to the main line. The main 
line signals were clear, and the express was late in 
making up time, the switch however had never been 
changed since the local took the siding. The en- 
gineer must have seen it, but too late ! He passed 
us with a rush and a roar — sparks flying from the 
Avheels — couplers crunching — whistles shrieking and 
then a crash 77/ never forget. (Pause) God it 
was awful. The hissing steam, the moaning groans, 
the cracking sparks as the coaches caught fire. As 
soon as we slathered our wits we started to the res- 
cue. Well, to make a long story short, I found a 
paper on the ground and the fact that it was a 
government paper interested me. I picked it up 
and as I did so an object near me moved — it was a 
man, and he was barely able to speak ; he couldn't 
move his body, so he jerked his head toward me, 
and I put the paper hurriedly in my pocket and knelt 
beside him as another man also reached him. He 
gave the other man a look and shaking his head to- 
ward me veiled ''Robbed!" ''Robbed!" so it turned 
my blood cold. I sometimes w^ake in the night 
yelling. I have a nightmare that often reoccurs, 
that fm the man. 

Harry. What has this to do with Clarence 
Bates? 

Thompson. That is pretty good Cooper, but you 
must put more life in it. You must see and feel 
wdiat you are doing. (Rising and gesticulating) 
Now when you say about the express train Rush 
and Roar make it sound like a fast train, and Hiss 
your Hissing Steam, and Moan your Moaning 
Groans. 

Harold. Let me do that over again. (Enthusi- 
astically said) 

Chorus. (All others except Thompson have Us- 



i8 PUNK 

tened intently to the long speech with tremendous 
interest. When Harold says ''Let me do that over 
again," they with equal enthusiasm say) No. 

Thompson. No we will go over that by ourselves- 
somewhere else. 

Lincoln. (/;; disgust) In a cellar. 

Thompson. {Getting a little peez'isJi) Go on^ I 
realize how hard these interruptions are for you,.' 
but we will try and suffer politely. 

Lincoln. Oh ! what a fine tail our cat's g;ot. 

Thompson. (Exasperated) Please, please, I am 
doing this to try and help you people and I am sure 
if you don't want it, etc. 

Lincoln. I will be good. (Disappears from 
vieiv behind the sofa, and immediately a scream 
comes from Ethel) 

Ethel. Stop. 

Harry. {W^ithont looking at her) Ethel! (Re- 
turning to his mss.) What has this to do with- 
Clarence Bates? 

Harold. Why the paper was the patent, our 
patent, and the specifications were there complete,. 
but the name of the patentee and the number of the 

patent were torn off. At the time I discovered that 
the man who died was Clarence Bates, and it was 
nearly five years before it occurred to me to find 
out if by chance he was the owner of the original 
patent. 

Harry. (In a dull meaningless voice) My God, 
so I have been using stolen property ? 

Harold. (Nervously to Thompson) I'm sorry 
old man I cannot put my best in it when the part's 
read to me. You know how it is. 

Harry. Well, I'm not doing this for pleasure. 

Harold. I don't mean you my dear Harry, — 
anyone. 

Harold, Harry and Thompson. (All begin 
talking at once in the middle of the stage loudly, 



PUNK 19 

hut politely apologizing to each other. Harold does 
not zvant Harry's feelings hurt, Thompson is try- - 
ing to explain how difficult it is to rehearse without 
the proper cast ; Harry is trying to express his will- 
ingnessjo he of service. ) 

Lincoln. What's this, the rehearsal of a Pacifist 
Meeting or a dog fight? ^ 

Thompson. Please everybody; Mr. Griffen, we 
will do this scene with Mr. Gates by ourselves. Now 
everyone please pay attention. (Noticing sofa up 
R. ) Mrs. Cooper. (Gets her attention) Thank 
you. Now we will have the scene between Clarence 
Bates and Mrs. Gates where he makes love to her. 

Omnes. Ah! 

Thompson. Sh ! 

Ethel. Oh Mr. Thompson, what shall I wear. 
I have a lovely organdie dress with a lovely green 
sash. 

Thompson. Mrs. Cooper, we can talk about that 
later. 

Ethel. {With a winning look) Yes, but I want 
to get something to please you, and I could rehearse 
so much better if I knew what I could wear. 

Thompson. Yes of course, anything you wear 
would be lovely. 

Ethel. Oh, do you think so ? 

Lincoln. {Who has meanzuhile stood center very 
hored) Am I posing for a statue, or are we going 
to rehearse. 

Thompson. Now remember folks, this is the op- 
ening curtain of Act 2 and you must pick it up. Mrs. 
Gates you are fanning yourself. Here take this 
ruler for a fan, and now Anderson put yourself into 
this. Ready. Curtain. Bing ! 

Lincoln. {Plays the following zvith Mrs. Gates 
in a flippant kidding manner hardly ever heing 
really serious) If I had not been introduced to you 



20 PUNK 

as Leonie's mother, I would have taken you two for 
sisters. 

Ethel. Which one of us would you have made 
love to? 

Lincoln. (Said in imitation of Frank Tinney as 
much as possible) Ah! How can you ask L (This 
is done h\ putting a rising reflection on the zvord 
''ask.") 

Thompson. Don't say that like Frank Tinney, 
whisper it. 

Lincoln. (Whispers the line in the same tone 
of voice as the dungeon scene in "Monte Crista.") 

Thompson. Don't be so murderous, put your 
heart in it. 

(Lincoln witJi a sarcastic laugh; then repeats fairly 

well. ) 

Lincoln. I'd think you gorgeous. Say, how 
can it be dark in the moonlight. 

Ethel. Sillv, haven^t vou ever looked for cover 
on a moonlight night. 

Lincoln. Oh boy ! 

Thompson. Please folks. 

Lincoln. Pd think you gorgeous. 

Ethel. I am afraid vour bark is bisfsrer than 
your bite. 

Lincoln. I would like to bite you. 

Ethel. (Promptly) That is not in the text. 

Tpiompson. Now please, please. 

Ethel. Stop your fooling. 

Thompson. Now good people, I can't go on 
if 

Lincoln. (Puts hands together in prayer with a 
Saint-like face) I will be good. (Says this to 
Miss Griffen) Do you know when I first saw you 
I thought you were Grace Leontine, the handsomest 
deb. in Newport, but when I came nearer I knew 
it could not be, for she hasn't such lovely hair. 

Ethel. W'hv Clarence, vou flatter me. 



PUNK 21 

Lloyd. Not a 'tall, not a 'tall. 

Thompson. Don't say not a 'tall, say not at all. 

Lincoln. Notta all, notta all. 

Ethel. (Rcnionstratiugly) Clarence. 

Lincoln. Oh Lady Ellery, you say Clarence so 
it thrills me. 

Ethel. Thrills you ! How ? 

Lincoln. (Pensively) How can I tell you. It 
makes me — ambitious. It makes me — want to — 
want to 

Harold. (From the sofa) Throw a brick. 

Ethel. Sh ! 

Ethel. (Continuing) Yes, yes. 

Lincoln. It makes me want to say so many 
many thinos I ou2:htn't to. 

Ethel. Ah you must know how I dote on 
ought'nts to. 

Lincoln. (Said sincerely and tenderly) You're 
wonderful ! gol darn it ! 

Thompson. Mr. Anderson, please, please, that 
is not in the text. 

Lincoln. No, but I thought it would make it 
more emphatic. 

Thompson. Good gracious man. It's you and 
not the words that must be emphatic. Go after Mrs. 
Gates as if you loved her. (Miss Griffen snick- 
ers) The author's lines are all right. It's the de- 
livery. Remember put your mind on the delivery. 

Harold. (In a loud voice similar to a train an- 
nouncer) As a special war measure all stores will 
have but one delivery a day. (Catches Thomp- 
son's eye, finishes lamely) I beg your pardon. 

Lincoln. (To Harold) Lie down Towser. 
(Harold sinks down out of sight behind the back 
of the sofa, holding his nose as if going iindefi 
water. Lincoln turns to Ethel) You're won- 
derful. 



22 PUNK 

Ethel. You must not look at me like that. 
(Turning to Thompson) Don't you think Mr. 
Thompson, he ought to look at me wickedly? He 
ought to pretend he is bad. 

Thompson. Well. (Whispers to Ethel and 
Lincoln) 

Harry. (To Isabel) Huh, I just thought of a 
good one ; as Lincoln is so handsome why can't he 
.look at Bella wickedly? 

Isabel. \\'hy ? 

Harry. Because he can't be a bad looker. Ha ! 
Ha! 

Isabel. (Kittenish) Oh Herrie. 

Ethel. (Repeats line zvhile Lincoln leers at 
her) You must not look at me like that. 

Lincoln. Don't reproach me Mrs. Gates, I ad- 
mit I should not see so much of you, (Sighing) I 
cannot trust myself. 

Ethel. (Hand on stomach) C-1-a-r-e-n-c-e. 

Thompson. Mrs. Cooper you place your hand 
over your heart it would be much more effective, 
also it would look much better. 

Lincoln. Admit you like my attentions even 
thou2:h vou should not. 

Ethel. (Playfully) Naughty boy. (Hits him 
with the ruler) 

Lincoln. Ow. 

Harold. Hit him again for me. 

Ethel. Oh I am so sorry Lincoln, I forgot ; I 
thought it was a fan, vou know if I get into a part 
I 

Thompson. Yes, ^Irs. Cooper, (Pleasantly) 
now let's go on. 

Ethel. Naughty boy. (Makes playful pass at 
him which he dodges) 

Lincoln. Say old top I can't manage these love 
scenes. Hang it, I am good in a parlor if the par- 
lor's empty^ but I am too tall. 



PUNK 23 

Ethel, Bertha and Isabel. (In chorus) Ridic- 
ulous, the audience loves a tall man. 

Ethel. Couldn't you kneel at my feet. 

Omnes. (Except Thompson) Yes, why not? 

Lincoln. Oh that's too much work. If I had 
some other woman who was 

Ethel. (Testily) Who was what please. 

Lincoln. I was going to say — who was taller. 

Harold. Let's wait till Ethel grows up. 

Isabel. (Rather suggestively) You never grow 
after you are thirty. 

Ethel. (Who overhears her — glibly) Didn't 
jou? 

Harry. (With a smile at Isabel) When are 
Ave going to rehearse our big kissing scene ? * 

Isabel. Oh Herrie. 

Thompson. Let me think this over. (Looks at 
watch) It's getting late, so leWs do the big finale 
of Act 3, I see you are all getting tired. 

Harold. Not tired, thirsty. 

Thompson. Please now out lots of oeo into 

X. i. X 

this. 

'(All clear except Lincoln. He sits chair r. and 
pantomimes pouring out a drink, and as he fin- 
ishes drinking it, Harold and Harry both say 
''Ah," smack their lips, then Lincoln goes l. and 
sits at chair l. of desk, looks alarmed and sud- 
denly rises and reaches for the table.) 

Isabel. (Baby talk) Did he thit on a tack? 

Miss Bull. (Taking it seriously) Oh did he? 

Lincoln. Don't you know pantomime when you 
see it? I heard the phone ring. 

Isabel. I would be all tired out if I jumped 
like that every time I heard our phone ring. For 
since Harold joined the lodge 

Lincoln. Sh ! (To imaginary phone) Hello! 



24 PUNK 

Yes, this is Mr. Gates' residence — yes — no — (Looks 
around) I am the Butler — {is very intent) yes. 
(Loke excited, then blank, then hangs the hook up 
and down) Hello. Hell-o — Hello-o Hell-o — Hell; 
o-Hello— Hello, Hello. 

Harry. Cut the comedy. 

Lincoln. {Leaving phone) Thunder I hope he 
will ring again. {Sees imaginary paper on desk, 
picks it lip. very carefully, looks secretively around 
him, whistles softly, replaces paper after reading it, 
says to Harold) Well, why don't you go on? 

Harold. I come on when you cross right. 

Lincoln. No, I am here when you come on. 

Harold. Don't you remember you crossed, so as 
to be away from the desk^.nd then I come on 

Lincoln. No, Thompson had me here — you 
come on 

Thompson. I think you come on — {Diz'cs into 
his Mss.) 

Harry. {To Isabel) Your brother is a come 
on. Ha ! Ha ! 

Isabel. That's the rottenest joke. 

Thompson. Sh ! Yes, you are by the chair, Mr. 
Anderson. 

Lincoln. No, you said last rehearsal 

Thompson. Well, anyway it's better business to 
be over here. 

Lincoln. {Whiningly) I don't mind of course, 
but if I get mixed up with all these changes 

Harold. If you don't cross old man I will come 
in anyway. 

(Lincoln Crosses. Harold enters, both glare at 

each other.) 

Harold. Hello, Bates. {Nasty drawl) What' 
are you doing here ? 

Lincoln. I think that's my business. 



' PUNK 25 

Harold. Is that so ? I think your presence here 
4s de trop. (Pronounced as spelled in English "de 
Jroppe") 

Ethel, Miss Bull, Isabel and Thompson. DE 
TROP. {Pronounced correctly as if "Tro") 

Harold. {Correctly) De trop. 

Lincoln. And since when are you the Queen 
Bee of this hive ; you're not one of the family. 

Harold. I represent the family in this matter, 
and I have Mr. Gates' wishes fully expressed, and 
I say that your presence here is unnecessary to put 
it mildly. 

Lincoln. You're playing with something that's 
none of your business. 

Harold. I will make it my business. 

Lincoln. Not if I know it. 

Harold. And who are you? 

Lincoln. {With great distinctness and enunci- 
ation) The son of the man you robbed. 

Harold. WHAT ! {Hands to hip pocket) 

Lincoln. {Ditto business) None of that. {Each 
draw slowly handkerchiefs to simulate revolvers. 
Lincoln produces a dainty lady's lace pocket hand- 
kerchief zvhich is observed by everyone except him- 
self, and all laugh and cat calls, etc.) What's funny? 
{He is still quite tense from his scene. Ethel sees 
and recognises the handkerchief and snatches it 
from Lincoln, zvho looks fussed. Isabel goes into 
giggles, and puts her handkerchief in her mouth. 
Ethel is artificially nonchalant. Harry looks 
daggers. Miss Bull looks horrified) 

Harold. {Sneeringly) So that's your little game 
is it? {To Ethel as Mrs. Gates nozv enters from 
R. and overhears unseen by Harold and Lincoln) 

Lincoln. Yes, and my cards are on the table and 
not up my sleeve or stolen. 

(Harold grozvls at Lincoln and Lincoln grozvls 



26 PUNK 

back.) 
Harold. Well what are you going to do about 
it? 

Lincoln. I am going to expose you to Mr. Gates. 

(Harold, villain laugh) 

Ethel. (Suaz'cly) Gentlemen. 

Lincoln. (With a bow) Mrs. Gates. (But 
does it very badly) 

Thompson. Oh! I say Anderson, use a lot of 
manner and voice, "Mrs. Gates/' 

Lincoln. (Repeats a^ badly as before) Mrs. 
Gates. 

Thompson. I told you: say it like Charles Sur- 
face in the screen scene says **Lady Teazle"; of 
course cut out the flourish and the bow. 

Lincoln. Never saw it old top. Is it one of 
Cohan's? 

Ethel. Never saw "School for Scandal," your 
education has been neglected. I shall take you to 
see it the first time it is played again. 

Isabel. Did you see Lillian Russell's musical 
version — Oh ! she was lovely. 

Thompson. Please! Well anyway, don't be so 
lifeless. 

Lincoln. I am sorry but I told you I am down 
to-night. You perhaps don't work in your office. 

Ethel. Oh ! let's get finished. Gentlemen. 

Lincoln. Lady Gates. (Does it beautifully and 
all applaud) 

Thompson. Fine, only next time say Mrs. Gates 
and not Lady Gates. (From now on Thompson 
gets more and more nervous and upset) 

Ethel. (Pleasantly but artificially) W^hat are 
you two gossiping about. 

Lincoln. (As they replace handkerchiefs in 
pockets) About the specifications of the new army- 
revolvers, and here is Miss Gates. (Miss Bull has 



PUNK 



2r 



joined Harry and Isabel down L., ayid pays no at- 
tention and misses her cue. Lincoln loudly) And 
here is MISS GATES. 

Thompson. {Very siveetly) Please^ Miss Bull, 
pay attention, your entrance please. 

Miss Bull. I'm sorry. Oh! I have forgotten 
my lines — I have forgotten my lines. 

Omnes. ''How do you do everybody ?" {Prompt- 
ing her) 

Miss Bull. Oh ! yes — how stupid, "How do you 
do everybody?" 

Lincoln. Good afternoon. 

Ethel. My dear, don't you and Mr. Foote want 
to walk in the garden. 

Lincoln. Before you go pleasfe Miss Gates may 
I have the paper from the locket I gave you so many 
weeks ago? 

(Miss Bull pulls locket from her dress.) 

Ethel. {Turns savagely on her) How dare you 
wear jewelry given you by a strange man and not 
inform your mother? 

Miss Bull. Oh! don't, don't. {Shudders) 

Ethel. What's the matter? ' 

Miss Bull. Oh you were so cross you frightened 
me. 

Ethel. My dear I was only acting. 

Miss Bull. {Tearfully) I know but I thought 
you might hit me. 

Isabel. {To YI^r^y disgustedly) Oh! d-d-dear. 

Thompson. It's all right, Miss Bull, please con- 
tinue. 

Lincoln. In this locket of my mother's is a 
piece of paper that was found on my father's body 
when he was killed in the railw^, wreck j:hirty vears 
ago. On this paper is a number and for years I 
have wondered what the number meant, and onl}r 



28 PUNK 

recently after much work have I found out what 
it means. 

Harold. ( Threateningly ) And what is itj 

Lincoln. It's the number torn from a patent, 
and that patent was stolen from my father at his 
death. 

Ethel and Miss Bull. What? 

Thompson. Don't say it so flirtatiously, surprise 
— surprise — good heavens good people do you real- 
ize in a week you are going to face an audience, 
and this milk and water acting won't do. It's 
awful. Dreadfully meak mouthed. Throw your- 
selves into it. Mr. Cooper, play the father's part, 
will you, and enter and catch Mrs. Gates on her 
cue. You know it. Now, come on everybody, a 
little pep, a little life, please. And out there (Point- 
ing front) you can imagine you have an intelligent 
audience. 

Lincoln. Where are we? 

Thompson. Heavens, you are everywhere but 
in this scene. I give up. Bah ! Do you realize out 
there (Points to audience) will be human beings 
who've paid real money to look at you puppys-PUP- 
PETS. Even if they are good-natured, even if a 
few of them are bright and guess what you're driv- 
ing at, it doesn't mean they should be bored to 
death. Bah ! 

Ethel. I say "what." 

Lincoln. Oh yes — and today I found the pres- 
ent owner of the patent and he has got to make him- 
self accountable. 

Harold. (Snecringly) Are you so sure you 
know him. 

Lincoln. (Fairly hissing) Yes, and he knows 
I know. 

Harold. Is that so ; and who might the fellow 
be, Mr. Detective? 

Lincoln. I will tell you who it is if you really 



PUNK 29 

want to know. 

Harold. [Jeeringly) Say it, say it. 

Lincoln. (Pointing at him) It's Hinman Foote. 

(Both women scream.) 

Harold. (Triumphantly) N;^, he is not the 
owner. The owner of that patent is Ellery Gates. 

(Lincoln thunderstruck also Miss Bull; Ethel 
screams and faints in the arms of Mr. Cooper, 
who has entered as Gates and zvho drops her. Im- 
mediately argument between the Coopers. Lin- 
coln and Harold get out cigarettes and become 
chatty. Miss Bull and Isabel gossip in the 
corner. Thompson sits on the little table down 
r., pidls out his hair.) 

Lincoln. Come on, everybody, let's go for a 
beer. 

All. (Except Thompson) Yes, come, etc 
Thompson. A beer, a beer." Get me anywhere 
away from this pilace. (Harry turns to Lincoln 
and Harold and explains hozv he dropped Ethel, 
and all three women pounce on Mr. Thompson Ort 
once saving) Oh! Mr. Thompson, now tell me what 
shall I wear, I have a lovely, etc. 

Curtain. 
TAG FOR FIRST CURTAIN 

Ladies. What shall I wear, etc. Would a sum- 
mer dress do? (Quick silence) 

Isabel. Oh, I think this is a stupid old play. 
Who wrote it, anyway? 

Ethel. Yes, come on, who wrote this play. Who 
is the author? 

Thompson. (In despair slowly) I am the au- 
thor. (Expires on table, rest silent and flabber- 
gasted) 



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